So, I can’t understand for the life of me why I find it so difficult to be alone with my thoughts…

I sat down to pray before going to bed the other night. The good old-fashioned kneeling down by the bed and sharing my thoughts silently with God. I can never do it for long. It’s like I feel bad for asking, or I don’t know what to say, or it makes the problem too real. Do any of you ever have that problem?

Night time brings all of my worries/fear/insecurities racing right up to me at 80 miles an hour and I feel that is when I have to fix all of those issues. Or, at least attempt to. I wish I didn’t have to watch Gilmore Girls to help me not think of things. Or an action movie, or for instance what I am watching right now-Bridget Jones’ Diary.

I wish I could just face the problems head on by asking/telling the creator of the universe. My creator! I wish I could open my heart and mind enough to trust and believe and hand over my burdens. But, it is so hard to believe that I can be that success story or the recipient of a miracle.

I really want to believe it. I try to be positive. I try to have a good attitude and believe the best will happen and that God will help me to make a way. I mean honestly, I always do “make it”. But I want to do more than just get by or to just be run of the mill or live normally.

I try to speak out good things and treat people kindly and I do believe that I have a Father who is the archetict of not only my life, but everything. But, I always seem to slip through the cracks. I have yet to get the job I need to truly support myself and my daughter. I pray on it. I look for jobs. I have a buttload of degrees, but nothing has changed.

I am still doing menial and mind-numbing work and it isn’t paying the bills. Do I push on like I do when I can’t lose those next 20 pounds? Am I supposed to trust and give all of my problems and issues and fears to Jesus Christ when I can’t see or hear what I am to do?

I guess that is what faith is all about. I do believe that Jesus is my savior, but aren’t I supposed to put effort in to better my life? It’s like there is such a fine line between handing over problems to God/and doing nothing to change my situation that I have not a clue how much of either side to give. If I am confusing any of you, so sorry. But to be honest I am confused.

Have a good night and God Bless

Simply~

Dee

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